REDNECK STORY OF THE WEEK
The Time My Uncle Took a Crap in the Wrong Hotel Room:
My dad’s side of the family is a special breed of redneck. They all grew up just outside the great American city known as Galveston, Texas, giving them a special flavor of Lone Star badassery mixed with Gulf Coast semi-Cajunness, while getting heavy daily doses of Houston ship channel chemical fumes straight to the brain.
My uncle epitomizes this classification of hillbilly, especially on one particular family vacation. We were staying in New Orleans to visit our even more cajun side of our extended family, but since there’s a lot more family members than there was room in the house, a few of us including my uncle stayed in a hotel nearby.
Like a lot of rednecks, my uncle is a big morning person (usually because he passes out shortly after dinner from drinking all day), and he was up an about at 5am on this particular morning. He went down to the hotel lobby to grab a newspaper to read during his morning dump. When he got back to the room, his card key wasn’t working, but fortunately, a housekeeping lady was nearby to let him in.
Upon walking in, my uncle attempts to wake up my aunt by shouting “G’mornin’ Blue!” (My uncle calls his wife “Blue” because that was the color of his first truck, and my aunt and his truck are the two loves of his life.) He heard a slight stirring but no response, and was about to go shake her to wake her up. His morning dump, however, was ready to pop out at any second, so he decided to go into the bathroom and take care of business first.
After a solid 20 minutes of pooping and reading the sports page, my uncle looked up at the bathroom counter and was confused at what he saw. He didn’t recognize any of the items near the sink, and after staring at it puzzled for a few minutes, he put 2 and 2 together, and realized his key didn’t work because he was on the wrong floor.
He quickly flushed and bolted out of the hotel room, and safely made it back to his without the strangers in the room noticing. When he got back though, he realized that he had left the newspaper in the bathroom. Surely that was a strange thing for those hotel guests to walk in on. To this day, they’re probably still confused about how it got there, and it’s a damn good thing that my uncle had to take a crap so bad that he didn’t shake whatever stranger was asleep in that bed.
That’s my redneck story for this week! I hope you enjoyed it! I would love to hear your redneck stories, so please send them my way! Hopefully I’ll get a few of y’all’s stories to post next week!