REDNECK STORY OF THE WEEK

This week’s story/advice/wisdom was submitted by lacountryboy.

GUTTIN IT!

dude all the dip tips are amazing!!!!!! the one that gets me the most is confusing you spitter with your beer. once i was playing call of duty with a buddy and we always dip while playing. so when my dip is done i spit it out as I am still playing. but still having the left overs floating around i take a sip of water slush it around and spit it out. as i go to get some to actually drink i grab my spitter and take a huge chug. idk if you’ve ever gutted a lip before but I’ll tell ya what, this was a million times worse. God Bless ‘MERICA!

REDNECK STORY OF THE WEEK

The time my uncle brushed his teeth with denture cream

Here’s another family vacation story featuring the same uncle from my story a couple weeks ago. He was sharing a hotel room with my aunt (not his wife, but another one of my Dad’s sisters) who like many rednecks, happens to be missing all of her teeth.

As usual, he was the first one up and about in the morning gettin’ the day started. When it came time to brush his teeth, he realized he had forgotten to pack toothpaste, so he woke up my aunt asking to borrow some of hers. Because she was half-asleep, she wasn’t thinking clearly (even less clearly than usual), and while fumbling through her make-up bag for toothpaste, she instead hands him her denture cream.

She goes back to bed but can still hear my uncle from the bathroom singing to himself while he brushes. It didn’t take long for the singing to turn into cussing, and when he came out of the bathroom, he exclaimed, “My lib is suck to me tee!”

With the help of my aunt, he was finally able to unstick his lip from his teeth, and fortunately for my uncle, the cuts on his lip caused by the denture cream helped his dip hit harder.

REDNECK STORY OF THE WEEK:

Redneck Ghost Stories

“I don’t know if anyone outside of my family would find this interesting or amusing, but here goes…

Usually when families or friends go camping, they tell scary stories around the fire about typical monsters like bigfoot or zombies or whatever, or just plain crazy killers, but in my family, we had cornmonkeys. I’m not sure exactly how the legend of the cornmonkey came about, but as far as I know, it originated in my family. Basically cornmonkeys were just really ravenous, big-fanged primates that lurked in cornfields. And perhaps something that contributed to this story were the local rumors about what some thought to be a monkey loose in the woods/abandoned brick yards in the area. Not to mention, there have been unidentifiable bodies found there now and then. Some people were really serious about these monkey sightings. And maybe all that got rolled up into a horror story my family found entertaining, adjusting it to fit the cornfield setting in which we lived.

It was both to have a little fun with each other, and to scare the kids enough to stay out of the fields, or to at least not go in alone. Call it a redneck safety precaution.

Although, at our big family get-togethers, which were basically every other weekend when I was little, the men of the family would tell the kids a story about the cornmonkeys at night, while sitting by the cornfield, and they would have a few of the guys set up inside ready to jump out and scare us. Us kids would sometimes split into groups with the older cousins and go in looking for (or running from) the cornmonkey uncles and dads. It was as much fun for our parents as it was for us.

Now that I and my cousins are older, we try to pass this story on to the new, younger generation of cousins/siblings/sons/daughters. Unfortunately, kids these days just don’t seem to be as gullible. How sad for them, because when I little, being scared was such a blast. :-D”

Submitted by emmayrose. Thanks for the story!! Submit your redneck stories here.

REDNECK STORY OF THE WEEK

This week’s redneck story was submitted by ellissabrooke.

“Well the other day I was driving down the road, and there was a dead deer on the side of the road. My uncle decides to pick it up and strap it to the hood of his car…then he continues to pick up any other road kill we pass along the way…Also he decides to go through every person’s trash cans while we were on vacation.”

…I’m curious. What exactly is your uncle looking for in those trash cans?

Submit your redneck stories or other redneck things here!